all the work while crying

revision is horrific, just write it correctly the first time

Ori looked at my mess of pages, and then gave some suggestions. He is good this way. He is my first editor, always, someone who seems to understand what I am trying to do, where I want to go. He sees the work before anyone else does, and this is always helpful. I am a little feral these days, unable to make basic conversation or remember what I’ve said. I am never sure what day it is, not really. My brain is utterly disconnected from my mouth, which is always dangerous. I’ve been spending too much time at the barn, playing video games, scrolling on my phone, or just staring off into space.

The book will, unfortunately, not write itself.

Probably the book is darker and weirder than I initially proposed. This feels like a problem, even though it probably isn’t.

I am all about avoiding the actual work of the book, but if I don’t turn in the book, I can’t get paid for the book. I am in a unique place: they already want it. It’s sold. I just have to write it. I worry about not meeting their expectations, about sending in something completely unreadable. The expectations, if they exist, are probably pretty low, but I have seen friends’ book contracts canceled for less, and so I worry about everything all the time. My new editor has said I could get more time if I needed, which is great, but also not great, because we could definitely use the next book chunk check. I need a day job. I am not worried about the individual sentences, mostly, just the work that is required to put them in the correct order. Will there be enough book, I think. There is never enough book, and yet somehow I have 60,000 words or so that Ori has read and I have other pieces that still belong here and have not yet been added. The contract said 60-70,000 words. I am the sort of person who would prefer to edit the book down into absolutely nothing. Maybe my next book will be a zine, or a pamphlet. I could staple the shit out of a nice pamphlet.

How do you edit your work? Here is how I edit:

1. Put everything into a random word document and send it to spouse, who reads and offers notes. Nothing is in order here, just many sections of book that could be made into something, maybe. I don’t even know what the story is at this point, or what comes first, middle, last. I am not great at structure, anyway. I just want to make some nice sentences. It’s about an accretion of something, ideally devastation.

2. Ignore the notes that Ori sends me. I know he’s right, but I’m not ready to hear about any of it yet. Mostly we just go on long walks with Millie, our dingus, and I ask him to explain the book to me, then get mad when I think it’s about something else. It’s never about something else.

3. Read the notes. Set them aside.

4. When I actually figure out I want to revise, I delete a lot of things. Cost of Living was 55,000 words, and I had another 55,000 words that I didn’t include, some of which were previously published. I wanted to delete so many essays from that book, too, even after it came out, and then some readers would email me and tell me one of those essays was the best part of the book, or whatever. The point of this is that there is no way to really know what to keep when you’re working, and that’s okay, just keep revising until you have a shape. Maybe those discarded pieces can be companion pieces. Or not: I got covid when it was companion piece placement time, so my possible companion pieces all became mush on my hard drive. Some people read the book anyway. It was okay.

5. Crunchy snacks are very important. Celery sticks, pickles, chips, whatever. I cannot stress this enough. Also caffeine. I started drinking coffee in my thirties and I don’t know how I got through college or graduate school without it.

6. The only way through is through. That’s it. I read the sections, dive into wherever I can, keep moving. For me, the sentences are mostly already there, they just aren’t in the right order. So I copy, paste. Redact, rearrange. Delete anything I can, anything that isn’t nailed down. Some of the sections treat the text in weird ways, something I hope to keep in subsequent drafts if I can. Ori keeps a copy himself, in case I delete too much.

Onward. With snacks.

PS - I maybe need to write about this, but Sarah Manguso’s new book, Liars, is now out, and you should get a copy. Yes, you. The novel hilariously, upsettingly interrogates the question, “What if a man were entirely red flags?”

Also, please read The Story Game, by Shze-Hui Tjoa. Gorgeous work.